Tuesday, May 3, 2016

So we made it a year....................... some how.

I have written this post about 163 times over the past year.
In my head.
On paper.
In blog drafts.

I can't get it right.
I can't get it right because I can't possibly depict the past year on paper.

But I will try....
So I am sitting down to work on this instead of doing the much needed dishes, laundry and various house cleaning that desperately needs to be done. There is a baby who I hear from his crib, babbling away. As usual, he should be asleep. He is most likely going to wake his brother. I am stressed over it, but I roll my eyes and keep typing. Because if not now.... when? Time truly goes so fast.

We are nearing the one year anniversary of the boys arrival into this world.
I could go through the zillion emotions I am feeling, as most parents feel them at this point.
I am still wondering if this is the first day they are home, because with such little sleep this past year, it feels like one big long day.
Very long days. Yet the quickest year ever.

This year was filled with many, many things. Many firsts, many lasts. A lot of love, a lot of struggle. Many tears and also smiles.
But the majority of this past year was filled with despair.
I almost just erased that sentence.... but I can't.  There is some one out there, who feels the same and if she is reading this - I need to say it.

It was the hardest year of my life.
At 37 years old, I had worked very hard to form my life. To grow and use my experiences and knowledge to bring myself to the point I was at in my life.
When I found out I was pregnant, moved, lost my job, was admitted to the hospital, spent weeks in the NICU and arrived home with two healthy boys -- I felt like a glimmer of the person who I had been a short 7 months before.
I was now going to have to play a role of someone new. Someone I did not know. Someone I was never trained to be.
I suffered severe undiagnosed depression. No new mom should have to go through that. I could get on my health care soapbox right now - but I will spare you.
I suffered from post traumatic stress disorder. Because you do not go through such drastic life changes so suddenly and come out with out your human spirit severely effected.

Finding myself back to "me" was the hardest journey I have ventured.
I knew, in order to be the mom I wanted to be, to be the partner, the daughter, the sister, the friend I wanted to be - I needed to do it. And in doing so I have gained more than I ever knew possible.

To anyone wondering.... there is light at the end of that tunnel. It is dim to start, and it gets brighter as you focus on it. I am here as proof.

I can now talk about the best parts of being a mom of one year old (gasp) twins, because I can see past the grey clouds that fogged my brain for a good portion of a year. I can tell you how it will get better and it will get easier. I didn't believe it. I prayed for it, but I didn't believe it.
But it does. And it doesn't get just a little bit better.... it gets AMAZINGLY better.
I hate to use that phrase because when holding your tiny baby it is hard to imagine it gets "better" than that. I guess my point is, YOU get better. You learn to adjust, you learn your role, you learn these new tiny people in your life, you adapt, you take something less seriously and some things more seriously. It is a growing process for baby and an equally big, if not bigger one for parents. Hang in there, learn the lessons, cut yourself some slack - you are doing a great job. Cut your partner some slack, they are trying to adjust too. And love your babies best you know how - soon enough you will be sitting here on the other side of the first year, two years, 6 months, what ever it takes to get thru.
And your heart will be exploding into a million pieces, just as mine is.

Just to add: The boys are days away from one. ONE YEAR OLD. How?! It is amazing to watch them grow and learn and explore. I am on the verge of having toddlers. I look back at those NICU photos and I am filled with such a mass amount of gratitude for all they have brought to our lives. All they have taught me. All they have given me. There is no way to prepare for this type of experience and there is also no other that can provide what they have provided for this world.
Those 4 pound babies - who were barely given a fighting chance, weigh in today at 24+ pounds each. They are healthy and strong and happy and exhausting. They have shown me that when I am down to my last bit of patience, courage, energy or strength - that there is more to give. They force me to do so and they do by reminding me that they did exactly that to join us in this world.

We have had such amazing support over the past year. Every comment, note, email, smile, understanding look in a store. Every kind word, tolerance of my non-stop photo posting, and bit of joy that has been shared with us on this journey over the past year is beyond appreciated.
We are fortunate to be here, and even on the darkest of days - that is a ray of light to grasp on to.

Let the journey continue...........................