Who am I kidding, I was probably at both.
My entrance to year 36 was spent with all my great girlfriends at my apartment drinking wine, telling stories and talking girl stuff. It continues to be one of my most favorite memories. We talked about what the upcoming year would bring and hopes and dreams. I had high expectations for 2013, (being that 13 is my favorite lucky number), but quickly realized I was a year off. Started to wonder if I was off by two years and 2015 was where my life was finally going to come together.
As I quickly approach 37, I can not help but recap 36 over and over in my head. It was truly the most drastic life changing year of my life. Thinking back to the bottles of wine, and talk with friends a year ago, I had no idea what was really in store for me this year.
I had an opportunity to spend a lot of my time alone at home during my 35th year. Typically this would be a complaint for me, but in retrospect - it was the greatest gift I was ever given. I took that time to study myself, my life, to learn what I want and how to be grateful for what I have. I learned that being thankful for the little things every day, makes all the difference in the world. Couple that with really figuring out what it is you want - out of a job, a friendship, a relationship, life in general - you can really actually get all you want.
A few weeks later I was going about my normal weekend routine and happened to fall upon the person I would later learn not only met all my "qualifications" for what I wanted in my future partner, but quickly became my best friend, by biggest supporter, the one who makes me laugh when I don't think there is even so much as smirk left in me, who tells me just how "okay" it is going to be when I doubt I can make it through another day, my hero.
I could bore you with the details, and I gladly would because it remains my favorite story so far. But I won't. I will tell you it was a crazy summer full of amazingly great times I will never forget and also coupled with some of (what I thought were) the most stressful days.
Both he and I were going through major changes in our lives. Possibly him more than I. It put pressure on the fun, spontaneous, getting to know you, beginning part of a relationship.
So months later, when I showed up with the 6 positive pregnancy tests and eyes full of tears, I worried just how much his shoulders could bare.
My life went from bottles of wine, discussing life with my girls to "oh my god, what do we do now" in approximately half a year.
So, I quickly and stressfully (is that a word?) moved (out of my apartment which I had become very attached to).
We planned. We cried. We went from terrified to excited and back a zillion times a day.
We tied up lose ends, and began building a picture of the future.
As with keeping with the trend of craziness 2014 had brought, we learned it was twins. A rare 1/10,000 case of mono mono twins. We scheduled more doctor appointments than I have ever had in my (hypochondriac) lifetime. Faced medical fears I never imagined existed.
Learned that life isn't going to only change when these babies arrive, but months before. Four months before the due date I was slotted to check into the hospital. Until they were born, which would be at least two months early.
That left us just a few short months to prepare. A few short, stressful months.
Come February, about a month before I was admitted to inpatient care, I was laid off from work. Not only did I love my job, but we were now down a salary, down an insurance carrier, down a maternity and short term disability leave, down a career. I'd been laid off before. It was painful and rough. But that was just me and a cat to support. Now what? Truly, now what would I do. I couldn't exactly go get a job (the one thing I actually KNOW how to do!) - as who will hire someone for 4 weeks that is a high risk pregnancy and can barely hold her head up past 2pm? Sounds very marketable huh?
We had babies to prepare for, a house to get in order, a car to buy.
I had watched the father of my children-to-be work like I have never witnessed someone work, since the day he found out I was pregnant, now this will add more stress to him, being our sole provider.
To add insult to injury, dad-to-be was denied FMLA due to the fun fact that we were not married. This still makes no sense to me, but he ran the risk of suspension from work if he took too much time off to be at doctor appointments. How do you put someone in that position?! Every doctors appointment was important in this case. Every appointment, every 7-10 days, revealed something new about our situation.
At this point, it was easy to fall to the floor, give up hope, surrender to depression and let the hormones take over and cry til my eyes were dry. It was easy to think back to my 36th birthday and wonder "what the HELL happened!?!?!" But I thought back to that year of 35 instead. I tried to remember what got me to where I was, because although it was a struggle, and every day was another fight, it really was all going to be okay. How could it not be? I wasn't going through it alone, I was going through it with the person I was meant to do this journey with. The one who is stronger than 1,000 of me.
We could have gotten married. It would have solved many issues. But is that why you get married? To fix the broken? No. Not in my opinion. There has never been a doubt in mind that I wanted to spend my life with this person, since the first month I met him. And even that is not a reason to hurry up and do it.
So, I organized the house the best I could, I packed my bags, I said my prayers, and I shipped off to the hospital for my two month stay. Not knowing how we would make it through or what to expect. Not having ever been in a hospital for more than a few hours, and having done everything in my power to keep things that way up until this point. Not ever having even so much as an IV. No anesthesia, no surgery, nothing. Nothing but (what I learn now) an irrational, very large, anxiety inducing fear of all things medical.
And this brings us to birthday 37. I've had some interesting birthdays, I've gone cool places, done amazing things. But 37 will forever live in my mind, I have no doubt. The days that lead up to it, and the ones that follow will probably not ever be forgotten as well. I will spend the day I turn 37 here, in the hospital. Hopefully I will spend the first 25 days of my 37th year here as well.
I can tell you, a year ago, or 20 years ago or even 9 months ago - I could never imagine my next birthday wishing to be inpatient in the hospital. WHO WOULD?
But I see now, after getting a little over half way thru it, just how much this experience will add to my life. No I haven't slept, like truly slept, in over a month. Yes the food is horrific. No, I still don't have a job bringing in income for my family. Yes, I am going to cry the day I take a shower in MY house and sleep in MY bed again. But all of these things can not take away what I have learned here. All the machines, IVs, terrifying experiences, the constant monitoring, the "code blue, whites, reds and greens", the 5:30 am wake ups, the blood draws, the lack of fresh air and sunlight, the screams from laboring women, the painful shots and horrible injections of different kinds, none of it outweighs the amount I have learned.
I have learned that I truly picked the most perfect person (I say "picked" when I mean he let me pick him) to share this life experience with. His selflessness amazes me multiple times a day.
I learned just how much a parent can love a child. Not only from the love I feel for my un-borns, or for the love I have seen of other patients in this hospital, but the love I have felt from my own. The time, the effort, the energy, the thought they put into every day. For their own child.
I have learned how "nurse or doctor" is more than a job description. How they become the support system and the friends you never imagined finding. They get you through every horrifying experience and remind you how strong you are and that you can do this. They down play nothing, they understand the anxiety, they don't judge you for a bad day, they hold your hand when you are scared and crying, they get you through months of living in a hospital. They understand. They become more than a face that hands you pills. They become your friends. The ones that make you laugh, that share their life stories and listen to yours. They hug you good bye and forgive you for you early morning moodiness. They discuss your intimate details and share theirs. They are friends you never expected to find in a place you fear so much.
I have learned that support doesn't always come from those closest to you. That a friend you had 25 years ago can support you in ways you never imagined. That you truly fill the minds of those who are only passing thoughts in your own hospital driven mind. That people truly are amazing, and giving, and caring. That when the whole world feels like it is falling apart, you can be picked up by someone you least expect to grab your hand. Social media gets a bad rep, and for many good reasons, but I can never deny the power of positivity I have received via social media over the past months. It is ASTOUNDING and I am thankful for every message, card, note, text, call, post, video, care package, visit and more. I can never find a way to express this fully. Ever.
I have learned that family and friends are really what life is about. This hospital is NOT easy to get to, is a pain in the ass to park at, is stressful to find your way through, yet, everyday people take time out of their day to do it. For us. The support is incredible. Be it in person, or not - I am overwhelmed by it.
I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night (just kidding, I wake up every ten minutes) wondering "is this real?" and "how did I get here?" I live in a hospital room. Growing two baby boys. Praying they can stay in for their delivery date. Holding my breath thru every test, every ultrasound, every monitoring session, every day.
And I wonder "How? How did I get here? Will I make it thru? Will we all?" It's as if it is a dream, as if it isn't real. Because I never could have imagined it. In my WILDEST dreams I could be in this situation.
So, as I enter my 37th year, I know I am as in the dark about what is to come as I was at 36. I have never been a mom. I have never witnessed a NICU stay or a preemie baby (or any baby!). I have never even had surgery. 19 days after my 37th birthday - this will all be my reality.
These babies really have done it right, I have to say. They have given me an opportunity to learn more than I could have in 5 years, all in just a few months since I learned of their existence.
And just in time to me their mom.
What greater birthday gift can I ask for than that?
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