Well, I have been inpatient for two full weeks as of tomorrow.
I have got to tell you, I can't believe how fast it is going.
Do NOT get me wrong, the lonely parts are hard, the "good nights" filled with tears are hard, the sleeping is impossible, there isn't an inch of privacy even for a phone call, I've had six roommates so far - some good some not so good, and the food is garbage but ... looking at the big picture, these things are minor.
I am incredibly impressed by the staff. I have never felt more taken care of or watched after. And waited on! "Can I get you water?" "Can I get you juice?" "Do you need anything?" It is impressive and reassuring.
I can not say I feel like I am in a 5 star resort or anything, but you learn to adjust.
I am encouraged to walk around, get out and do things (but not too out) - for which I am thankful because I am not much of a "sitter still".
At one point in my first week here, we were discussing outpatient monitoring as opposed to being in here for 6 more weeks full time. Now, I have to say, anyone staring 6 weeks stuck in a hospital room will jump at the idea to be home sleeping in their own bed, with their partner, pets, amentities, etc. Showering where things are familiar, and eating decent food! WHERE DO I SIGN UP!?
Well, that was my first thought anyways. Then I thought about it a little more. For 6 months I have been given the statistics of my situation. The advantages of being here. The reasons I am here. And my mind quickly changed to "No." No I do not want to go home. I do not want to travel here every day, two to three times. No. I want to be here! I actually can say I want to be here!!!
Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuutttttt, if you could let me out for a few hours a day I would really be happy.
At this point we started considering day passes. My doctor was all for it! Yay!
So I decided, since things were on such an early side, and everything was going so well, I was going to take a few hours and go home. I laid on my own bed (which was one of the most blissful experiences of my life, I cried - who knew?!), I took a shower in MY shower. I dropped off laundry, I ran the dishwasher, I cuddled with my cat and snuggled with the love of my life. Stopped at Target, grabbed some essentials, ate actual food and headed back to my temporary home.
Let me tell you - as wonderful as the break was, as fresh as the air felt, there wasn't a moment I wasn't on edge. I was so afraid I was going to get in trouble for leaving that I don't think I actually relaxed for 30 seconds. Probably not even 10.
I returned to my hospital room and felt relieved. I got settled for the night and began to relax. The nurse came in to do my evening non stress test (funniest name for a test that stresses out EVERYONE involved!)
Well, apparently babies were not happy with the decisions I had made for the day.... and decided to act up! I landed myself in the labor and delivery unit.
At 26 weeks (only days after NICU said "we will not discuss the grimness of 26 week delivery" to me)
After three or more hours of monitoring already.
To say the very least, I was not thrilled nor excited.
I was numb, terrified, trembling and exhausted and alone.
Let me preface this all with just a bit of information: I do not do medical situations. No seriously. DO NOT DO THEM. I have never been hospitalized, I am absolutely petrified of hospitals. I do everything I can to avoid them. I have never had so much as an IV, no surgery that required inpatient, no anesthesia. Any of these ideas will send me into a full blown anxiety attack at the drop of a hat. I have been prepping myself for it, because it is all coming, but 6 days of being in the hospital was certainly not enough prep.
Long story short(ish) - I was placed on monitoring (I was told would be about 4 more hours) and that was the plan. Then the resident doctor came in and we talked, they said the cervix was closed and all was looking well. After a bit of further discussion and calling the doctor on call, changes were made. Prep was done for delivery (steroid shots, IV drip, magnesium drip, etc) and I was in a full on panic, at 2 a.m. that lasted until day break. But the babies stayed in.
I was sent for ultrasound at about 8 or 9:00 in the morning. Everything looked spectacular. Cord flow was great, breathing and heart rates were excellent, all was good. I was taken off IV, and given food (yay), monitored for three more hours (this makes about 15+ total!) and sent back to the safety of my original room, a place I never knew could look so good!
Needless to say, I learned a lot that day.
First things first - my ass will not be leaving this hospital anytime soon. Day trips will not be happening. Visits home will not be happening, even for Easter or my birthday. Excitement will be brought to a minimum. Boring days are much welcomed.
For the first time in my life, I want BORING.
Secondly - ummmm, magnesium is freaking awful! They should use it to extract answers from terrorists. Seriously. I am pretty sure I am going to have to have it again at some point and the thought makes me want to jump out the window.
Thirdly - I am reminded that I am surrounded by the best staff, in the best place with the best care for my babies. You have to stop and wonder why things happen sometimes. I am being told my stress was not the cause. I am being told my leaving for a few hours was not the cause. I am being told to learn to meditate and control my anxiety. And I am being told to not bother to worry because what ever happens will be.
So, why? Who can say why. But I have decided after a few days of thinking, what I am going to take from this situation.
I am taking this as a warning. A warning to remember why I am here. To remember now is time to slow down, because in a few months there will be no down time! Also an opportunity to find a method of relaxation, a plan of action for stressful moments, and a way to control the fear and find the happiness.
As this pregnancy continues, I am finding lessons I have needed to learn in my past are being forced upon me now with vigor. It is as if these two boys know, with out even really knowing, exactly what I need and when.
The past year has taught me more lessons than all of my (almost)37. But I don't think anything has taught me as much as these two have in the past 27 weeks. If they are teaching me all of this now, I can not imagine the things I will learn when they finally arrive!
.....in 6 weeks or more, no sooner!
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